11 November 2013

Fear?

I'm not entirely sure what to title this post. Lately I've been having a whirlwind of emotions. Elsie just turned one, and I always said I wanted my children to be pretty close together. 2 years or closer. People are starting to ask when I'm going to have another baby. Its weird how emotional this all is making me. Im sitting here crying just thinking about it. I want Elsie to have a younger brother or sister so badly. But honestly, I am terrified. Not sure if this is normal, but it scares the living daylights out of me thinking about having another baby. The love I have for Elsie is so powerful and consuming. When she fell and we weren't sure if she would be okay, I literally felt like my heart was breaking. She is my entire world! And the thought of doubling that love, that vulnerability, terrifies me to my core. I also find myself wondering how its possible to love Elsie soooo much, and then when I have another baby, I will love that child just as much. Maybe I need someone to tell me they had the same fears after their first child. Maybe its because Chase and I are here in Utah without any of our family. Or maybe I'm just not ready. Maybe in a couple months I'll wake up and know that it is time. I guess I just need to be patient.

2 comments:

Kristin said...

Oh I have been there. Sometimes I still am. And the only thing I can say is that I feel the same way about BOTH of my boys! And there are two of them! And I love them so deeply that it seems impossible to me to be able to love another baby like them. But my love for Nash doesn't take away from my love for Gray. They are independent. And sometimes it's scary or overwhelming to feel SO much, but there was a time in my life where I wanted so terribly to not feel so numb. Feeling so much is one of our God given gifts as women.

You are a brave mama. And you are a WONDERFUL mom. Elsie and any of your other babies waiting to come to your family are so, so lucky to have you and Chase AND Elsie.

Truly, I think you are amazing.

Auntie Em said...

I am so grateful that this was never a worry for me. I am not bragging, I have just been blessed to have had very wise women before me explain to me that when it comes to love the heart can always stand to hold MORE.

Love is not a finite thing, it is in fact infinite. There is not a limited amount that has to be divided up like a pie, there is always, I repeat ALWAYS more pie, or more room for love.

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